I don’t remember when I first heard Dr. Wolfelt speak, but it was in Vancouver and I was hooked! I was amazed that this man was traveling the world teaching all that I had instinctively done to cope with loss.
A few years later, I began studying with Dr. Wolfelt at The Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. In 2003, I graduated from his program with a Certificate in Death and Grief Studies. It was Dr. Wolfelt’s teaching and encouragement that spurred me on to further my education and become a Registered Professional Counsellor.
Thank you, Dr. Wolfelt.
Thank you, Dr. Wolfelt.
The Mourner’s Code by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.
Ø You have the right to experience your own unique grief
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
Ø You have the right to talk about your grief
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
Ø You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions
Confusion, numbness, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t’ take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
Ø You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balance meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
Ø You have the right to experience ‘griefbursts’
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
Ø You have the right to make use of ritual
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
Ø You have the right to embrace your spirituality
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
Ø You have the right to search for meaning
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
Ø You have the right to treasure your memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone you loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
Ø You have the right to move toward your grief and heal
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.